After the Federal Bureau of Investigation published a report accusing Insane Clown Posse fans, aka Juggalos, of being a full-fledged gang, the Detroit hip-hop duo announced at its annual Gathering of the Juggalos festival last weekend that it would pursue legal recourse. Meaning that Insane Clown Posse plan to sue the FBI, which declared that "transient, criminal Juggalo groups pose a threat to communities due to the potential for violence, drug use/sales, and their general destructive and violent nature."
In response, the rappers questioned the legitimacy of the report, drawing parallels to superfans of other prominent artists. "If Lady Gaga's 'Little Monsters' are now a gang, it'd be like, what the f**k?" noted Shaggy 2 Dope; his partner, Violent J, chipped in with some profoundly uncouth words about Conway Twitty enthusiasts. Leaving "The Twitts" out, we offer an exclusive peek at the FBI's other secret files.
The Artist: Jimmy Buffett
The Gang: Parrotheads
The Crime: Although tied to low-potency marijuana trafficking in the 1970s, the organization's aging population has recently turned to the abuse of prescription drugs, primarily Lipitor and Cialis. Although many find deep cover in the white-collar community, members can occasionally be identified when wearing Tommy Bahama shirts and sitting in "pretty good" seats for touring productions of Jersey Boys.
The Artist: The Grateful Dead
The Gang: Deadheads
The Crime: Though largely inactive since the death of psychedelic-necktie kingpin Jerry Garcia, Deadheads continue their correspondence through online networks, trafficking suspected pornographic materials referred to as "Dick's Picks." Group activity continues through an inferior, imitative offshoot outfit called Phish Heads, whose official dance makes the Crip Walk look like the tango.
The Artist: Justin Bieber
The Gang: The Bieliebers
The Crime: Targeting juvenile members has led to aggressive and enthusiastic recruitment in suburban middle schools throughout the United States. The group's members are known for erratic, marginally sexualized informal rallies (known as "slumber parties"), despite the fact that Justin Bieber himself is utterly sexless.
The Artist: Taylor Swift
The Gang: Swifties
The Crime: Largely comprised of Caucasian females, this emerging group roves American shopping centers in small, terrifying groups and poses a threat to communities when challenged for sale items at Forever 21 or long lines at Jamba Juice.
The Artist: Nicki Minaj
The Gang: Barbz
The Crime: While many organizations have ceased stereotypical gang activities and no longer display their colors, the Barbz' florescent-pink dresses and garish wigs recall two two former gangland kingpins: Baby Spice and RuPaul.
The Artist: Lady Gaga
The Gang: Little Monsters
The Crime: Though activity is largely confined to jurisdictions in immediate proximity to Queens delis, police have noted gangland-style public intimidation by wafer-thin bottle-blondes wearing flank steak dresses, throwing gang signs and lip-syncing to Madonna's "Express Yourself."
The Artist: Eminem
The Gang: Stans
The Crime: Although first isolated in suburban Detroit (a hotbed of activity for other gangs, including the KISS Army and Candy Cane Children), open-source reporting has now found persistent Stan activity across the United States, which often involves churning out angst-ridden, handwritten love letters to their hero while listening to Dido songs. While not bound by traditional gang needs, Stans are highly motivated by the Cali Chicken Bacon Ranch pizza from Dominos.